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Cars aren't autonomous yet, but they sure want to be if Drew Magary's crossover is any evidence.

I never thought I’d get into a phantom car accident, let alone two, but here we are. I was backing out of a parking spot in my new car a few weeks ago, and I was doing so responsibly. I was toggling between checking the rearview mirror, the rear camera, the side mirrors, and turning my head to look, with my own eyes, at the physical space behind my car. I was all clear, so I kept smoothly reversing until WHAM!, my Hyundai came to a sudden and violent stop.

I screamed FUCK at the top of my lungs, because that’s my instinctive reply to most things. I double-checked everything I had already double-checked, only to find no evidence of a collision. But it felt like a collision, I promise you. If you’ve ever been in a car accident—and the numbers say you have—you know that the moment of impact sticks with you forever. It’s both sudden and sickening. You feel that impact again and again in your mind, long after it’s occurred. I knew this feeling well—far better than I’d prefer—so I was convinced I’d totaled my new car when it hit this seemingly invisible wall. Was it something the cameras couldn’t detect? That I couldn’t detect? What if I had run over a small animal and killed it? What if I hit a baby oh god.

I got out and looked around. Nothing was there. My car was blessedly intact. I hadn’t hit anything at all. Turned out the Hyundai’s rear camera assist sensed a danger that wasn’t there and, operating to save both itself and my life, commandeered the brakes without my asking. It stopped so hard it’s wonder I didn’t break my neck.

A week later, it happened again. I turned the rear assist off.

By now, you know that there will be a future where self-driving cars are the norm. They get into accidents at a higher rate than normal cars, and you never know when one will see a pedestrian and have THREAT DETECTED flash in its robot vision. Given that, the cars of the future won’t be fully autonomous. In fact, almost every new car rolling out onto the market now is already a combo platter where you still get to drive, but your car’s computer takes command if it thinks you’re screwing up too badly. You will not always agree with what that computer decides.

My new car is one such combo platter. It has more sensors than a Swiss bank fault. It has a composite overhead parking camera. If a car in front of me at a stoplight starts moving, my car alerts me to it: a subtle hint to stop looking at my phone. As you’ve already seen, it’ll brake for me if it senses I’m slow on the draw. And it has lane assist, in which it automatically corrects me if I drift too close to the lane markings. It’s that last feature where the tussle between man and machine is most pronounced. In general, I’m quite good at literally staying in my lane. When my Hyundai disagrees, I can feel it wresting control of the wheel from my hands to put me back on what it believes to be the proper course.

But I’m the one with eyes, and ears, and a human brain. I know where I’m going, and I don’t appreciate it when my car decides to be its own backseat driver. I feel judged. I also feel emasculated. I’m a goddamn American. Who told this car that it was a better driver than me? Yes, I’d like my car to shift over to autopilot if I’ve fallen asleep at the wheel, or if it sees a tanker about to T-bone me before I can spot it, or if I’m full of Everclear coming back from a Christmas party. I like the idea of EMERGENCY autonomy for my car. But when it’s just a normal day and I’m sober as a choirboy? You suck, car. You do what I say, not the other way around. I’m king of the road here.

I love this car—more than is healthy, in fact—but I can’t help but feel like I’m part of a nationwide beta testing group to determine exactly how autonomous all semi-autonomous cars ought to be when they roll off the assembly line. I’d feel better if I knew this test was being conducted with the best of intentions, but I already know it’s not. I wouldn’t have Apple Carplay letting me send texts at 80mph if this were the case. Time Man of the Year Elon Musk—who, to my knowledge and Time’s, didn’t invent the COVID vaccine—is already planning to let Tesla owners play video games while driving. So, for CEOs like him, the ideal car of the future is one in which you can behave like that car can drive itself even when it can’t.

I drove my new Hyundai to the airport this past weekend. I was on a long stretch of open highway, so I turned on the smart cruise control and lane assist, let go of the wheel, and put the car in charge for a while. I was riding shotgun in the driver’s seat. When the car steered itself to account for slight bends in the road, I oohed and ahhed like I was still on a test drive. And then, after a mile or two, the car had had enough. It went beep beep and the dashboard flashed KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL. I did as I was told, but there may come a time when I’m less willing to do so. And when that happens, the next accident I get into won’t be a figment of my imagination.

Drew Magary is a co-founder of Defector and a columnist for SFGate. His sixth book, The Night The Lights Went Out, is available right now in bookstores and online.